“You are Lisa Simpson”

Oh, God. I'm tearing up already.

I’m not. Though my name is Lisa. But that episode makes me cry. I also cry when I’m sad about real-life stuff (DID YOU SEE THAT SEAMLESS TRANSITION?).

The easiest way to fix sadness is to pretend that you are awesome incarnate. Easier said than done, you say? Not at all. Here are totally easy ways to be awesomer than the average bear:

  1. Engage in a political dialogue with someone who does not agree with your ideologies. Use phrases like “straw man argument,” “specious reasoning,” and “I don’t think we should base policies on hypotheticals.”
  2. Go to the gym and laugh at all the sad-sacks who are too lazy to go to the gym.
  3. While at the gym, go faster than the person next to you, even if for just a minute or two. The person next to you may not have realized that she entered into a race, but bitch knows she lost!
  4. Do laundry and laugh at all the people who are too lazy to do laundry. MY CLOTHES SMELL LIKE MEADOW!
  5. When you’re out with a friend, buy him or her a drink or a burrito. When friend offers to pay, wave your hand nonchalantly. What is money to you? You’re too awesome to worry about money publicly.
  6. Walk like you are listening to “Sexyback” on a permanent loop (don’t trip).
  7. Cook yourself something tasty and unhealthy. Sad lonely people go out and buy a pint of ice cream. Awesome people bake themselves a pie from scratch. You can garnish it with your tears later.
  8. Leave a conversation on a high note a la George Costanza.
  9. DON’T go through old pictures of happier times. Instead, go through pictures of your “awkward year/s” when you were, like, 13. Of COURSE you’re more awesome now.
  10. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY don’t look at Facebook. Christ on a cracker, that place will RUIN YOU.
  11. Take a little extra time to respond to texts. What? You’re an adult and you’re busy. Same goes for emails.
  12. Watch a TV show or movie that you know all the words to. Quote along with it. Extra points if you force someone to sit through your sordid little show.
  13. Sing and dance in the car like a madman. Give people thumbs up when they look at you.
  14. Wear your hair in a different way. Sure, you KNOW you can’t pull off a faux-hawk, but the people in Trader Joe’s are going to get an eyeful and they are going to LIKE IT.
  15. Shellac yourself in a layer of slapstick humor. You’re too awesome to take yourself seriously.
  16. Accept that compliment like you DESERVE IT.
  17. When your friend says, “Oh [name], are you okay? You’ve been looking kind of miserable recently,” respond with a bon mot like, “Oh, [friend], that’s just how my face ALWAYS looks.” But you should secretly be happy that your friend can see through your facade.
  18. And, of course, realize that people who don’t make you feel awesome are just clearly not worth your time. They are NOT all that and a bag of chips. You are though.

SEE? NOW YOU’RE AWESOME.

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2 responses to ““You are Lisa Simpson”

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