So I was talking to a random person the other day, and he made a joke about getting a rape horn instead of a rape whistle or something like that. Immediately my ears perk up like a dog. “Like in Arrested Development?” I asked while my face lit up like a child about to get a rock candy stick or a puppy. Are we about to share a moment? Am I about to make a new friend?
“What? Oh, no. I don’t watch TV.”
Cue glass shattering noise.
What is WRONG with these people?!
Now, I fully understand that some people are just too busy to watch TV, and I sympathize; I really do. But these are not the people I’m talking about. I’m talking about the people who dismiss the entire medium in a voice dripping with condescension.
People who watch television are not all brain-dead illiterate rednecks who get their jollies by watching Jerry Springer. I get it; you probably like to read. I know how to read, and sometimes I even do. You just don’t need to be so dismissive with your pity-gaze that says, I waste my time in better ways than you. I’m on a coed softball team and I am participating in National Novel Writing Month, bitch, which I know is something you’ve always mused about, but you know you could never do because then when would you watch television? Thanks for saying that so smarmily, voice inside my head. You always go for the jugular.
But then, when I think about it again, I feel bad for these people who are too good for television. Pop culture is a language, and they are refusing to study. You think you can get by with the occasional “What chu talking ‘bout, Willis,” but you can’t. You need to have a larger cultural lexicon than that. Not to mention that every single life experience you have ever had has already been played out on the small screen. In other words, “SIMPSONS DID IT!” So own up to the fact you’re not original, and watch some damn television.