Food, you guys! Food! Not just food, but seasonal food! It’s everywhere and so pepperminty or pumpkiny or…chocolatey.
It’s only December 8th and my waistline is slowly expanding. I see it pretty plainly, and as much as I want to tell myself that I’m just retaining water, I know that it’s the holiday fat-bloat. So every night I think to myself, “Okay, Lisa, you had your fun. Food tasted awesome–as it does–but tomorrow you’ll be good. That way, when you stuff your face on Christmas, it will be a special treat, not just part of this sordid face-stuffing trend.” Then I pose in the mirror with my sweatpants and baggy tee-shirt (as I do), and I go to bed.
And then the next day I’m like Mr. Creosote. Or like a walrus eating…a smaller walrus. It’s so easy to justify this to yourself. I mean, when will I have pumpkin pie again? In like a whole year. If I don’t eat it now, I miss out on pumpkin pie for a whole year! Can I deny myself that? Am I really so cruel? I like myself too much to deny myself pumpkin pie.
Stupid delicious season. I bet my blood tastes like syrup.
But today I’m going to lie to myself. Some of this MUST be water weight. So, goddamit, I am going to drink, like, five bottles of water today to flush it out. And then I will be a super model. Because that’s how it works. Duh.