Did I say just one holiday rant?

Food, you guys! Food! Not just food, but seasonal food! It’s everywhere and so pepperminty or pumpkiny or…chocolatey.

It’s only December 8th and my waistline is slowly expanding. I see it pretty plainly, and as much as I want to tell myself that I’m just retaining water, I know that it’s the holiday fat-bloat. So every night I think to myself, “Okay, Lisa, you had your fun. Food tasted awesome–as it does–but tomorrow you’ll be good. That way, when you stuff your face on Christmas, it will be a special treat, not just part of this sordid face-stuffing trend.” Then I pose in the mirror with my sweatpants and baggy tee-shirt (as I do), and I go to bed.

And then the next day I’m like Mr. Creosote. Or like a walrus eating…a smaller walrus. It’s so easy to justify this to yourself. I mean, when will I have pumpkin pie again? In like a whole year. If I don’t eat it now, I miss out on pumpkin pie for a whole year! Can I deny myself that? Am I really so cruel? I like myself too much to deny myself pumpkin pie.

Stupid delicious season. I bet my blood tastes like syrup.

But today I’m going to lie to myself. Some of this MUST be water weight. So, goddamit, I am going to drink, like, five bottles of water today to flush it out. And then I will be a super model. Because that’s how it works. Duh.

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