What’s this? More old shit still on my computer? Why, yes! Come with me, gentle internet traveler, as we explore the depths of my old files.
Let’s start this trek down memory lane with the contents of a document entitled “Knock Knock:”
Jethro ‘em down the stairs and I’ll stab them with my screwdriver
One wishes that one could ask past Lisa why. Why write this down and save it? I mean, yeah, okay, sure, it’s kind of a funny joke. I mean, yeah, I’ll probably remember it for later. Sure. But…why?
Now, dear internet tourist, we can see the picture called “badassery 2” (implying that somewhere there exists a “badassery 1”):
I think this is pretty self-explanatory, dear people. Also, I don’t want to explain it.
Next, let’s wander into a document titled “awwwww,” which is apparently an old AIM conversation between me and my sister:
sister: u smell
me: like roses
sister: doused in pee
me: but then gently cleansed with sunshine and hugs
sister: only to be picked and farted upon by the devil
me: to then be kissed clean by angels
sister: unfortunately one of the angels had a cold sore and the roses swelled immensely in response to the deadly rose virus
me: but the rose, hearing the healing song of the mermaids, revived only to become more beautiful than ever before
sister: or so they thought, the mermaids had actually tricked the roses and sung the song of hope then fail…the roses grew more beautiful than ever before and then suddenly burst into sulfuric flames and burned until they were mere suggestions of the roses they once were
me: but then the phoenix, hearing the cry of the dying roses, was so moved by their wails, that he wept on top of their ashes and they were reborn
sister: reborn into poisonous mushrooms that when spat upon with a magic potion became, once again, a beautiful rose but was then picked by a young boy planning on giving the rose to a pretty girl but right after he said ” i picked this thinking of your face” the potion wore off and the rose was a shroom again. and the young girl slapped the boy
me: HAHAHA you brought in the shrek two scenario. you win
Adorable. And so full of that sisterly love and respect that people talk about.
Aaaaaaannnnd finally, let’s journey into the document entitled “Elp Me”. I actually remember the backstory for this one: I wrote this the day after I got really wasted for the first time (awww). I was hungover, and I was pretty sure I was going to die. In between my wailing and moaning, I knocked a glass of water onto my keyboard and some of the letters stopped working (this was the moment I had the requisite “GOD IS PUNISHING ME FOR MY DEBAUCHERY! I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN!” declaration, but I was 18 and lying to myself). I then opened Word and began to test out my keyboard (why did I save this? That’s between past Lisa and God):
Elp me! NOOOOOOO! It burrrrns..
Te quick brown fox jumped over te lazy do.
O OD! Tats not rit at all! Neiter is tat!
Lisa is sad. I sad. Sad sad sad.
12347890 123478 jfjfjb vrit rit rit vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvf
At least I can spell my name lisa. Wooooo!
Tout tink o to ave alf