The Facts of Life…

…was a weak show. I get it; the girls were sassy. And they learned an important life lesson every week. Big deal. If you want to watch a show with life lessons, watch Full House because at least then you get to look at John Stamos.

Anyway, I may not have been on this planet for a really long time, but I have learned some stuff about life. So let’s just dive right on in. And don’t try to dispute any of these–they’ve been proven with SCIENCE.

  • If a friend you haven’t talked to in a long time asks you, “So, what have you been up to?” there’s an 80% chance that said friend is about to brag to you about something. There is a further 50% chance that this thing will be incredibly asinine.
  • 60% of the time, it works every time.
  • You will be robbed at one point. Just hope it’s soon and hope it’s small.
  • 50-75% of all electronic problems can be solved by turning the thing off and on again or toggling something.
  • You will never win a “who’s more exhausted” battle. The other person always is a student or has young children or something stupid.
  • People who really like Ayn Rand are always douchebags.
  • People who can quote The Simpsons (seasons 2-10) and/or Arrested Development are awesome 82% of the time.
  • If you drink a lot of water and then decide to go on a long car ride to clear your head and jam along to music, you WILL spend the whole time just thinking about how much you have to pee.
  • The SECOND you decide to start a new fitness regimen, one of your joints will spontaneously combust in terror.
  • Invest in a board game. Everyone likes board games.
  • The “Placebo Effect” does not work for hair products. Just because you spent 50 dollars and really want it to work doesn’t mean your hair will magically not be like straw.
  • The amount of happiness you feel is inversely proportional to the number of foods you restrict yourself.
  • Everyone knows not to go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line (or start a land war in Asia), but only slightly less well known is this: Never argue with a Republican unless you want to question your moral code (i.e. is murder really that bad?).
  • You can’t judge a person by the contents of their iPod or their Netflix instant stream list. Well, you can, but you’re not getting the full picture (I have an absurd amount of 90s pop and have watched a lot of American Dad)
  • No matter how good you are at something, someone is always ALWAYS better than you. Like, a lot better. Like, so much better that you should probably give up. But don’t. That person may die before you. Of course, this person will be replaced by another person who is better than you (you are really far down the line of good-ness).

2 responses to “The Facts of Life…

  • Ivy McDougalhopper

    *If you buy something when it is on sale (for example, Britta filters) knowing that you will need it eventually, by the time you need it, YOU WILL HAVE LOST IT. In order to find it, buy another one.

    • Lisa


      Also, after you have bought said item and destroy its packaging, thus rendering it unreturnable, you WILL find the original thing.

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