Hello, good people. My name is Lisa, and it’s time for our first installment of Lisa vs. Lisa, a piece in which I interview myself.
Oh Lisa, it’s really no problem. I’m really not busy at all. Well, I tell a lie–I am kind of busy, but I’m way too caffeinated to be productive right now. Also, nothing I do really matters anyway.
Let me stop you right there, if I may, because this segues nicely into our first question. Lisa, were you aware that many people compare you to a worthless pile of garbage–
Wait, I don’t think–
Let me finish, please. A worthless pile of garbage that a homeless person wouldn’t even sift through for cans. How do you respond to this?
Well, everyone and everything has an important societal function, I think. You know how you can’t have happiness without sorrow? Can’t have pleasure without pain? Well, how do you have awesome things without…garbage? What I’m saying, Lisa, is that I make other people look better. I’ve been doing it my whole life, and, frankly, I have a natural talent for it. I plan to rent out my services one day.
Oh? Do you believe that there’s a market for that?
I’d like to think so. I mean, I’m not very well-versed in “the market” or “the economy” but–
Yes, you do seem to display an almost willful ignorance on many topics. Is this intentional?
Intentional in that do I actively pursue ignorance in favor of intelligence? No. It just kind of happens that way. I’m afraid that my brain has atrophied to the point of near uselessness. I have to pick and choose what I retain carefully.
Like song lyrics?
Like song lyrics, yes. And not just any song lyrics, mind you–crappy pop songs that no one will remember in five years. I tried to fight this for a while, but the brain does it what does.
It does seem like its priorities are a little off. Tell me, can you even remember the plot of the book that you are currently reading?
No, Lisa, I cannot. But if you ask me to sing the Spice Girls…
Not now, thank you.
Another time then, maybe. I’m always good for a song.
Lisa, I must say, I just find you remarkable. Here you are: single, lonely, with no career prospects, no discernible talent, and waning intelligence, but you manage to still wake up every morning and–
Well, wait. I don’t think you’re being very fair. As far as career goes, the Recession–
It is the poor carpenter that blames his shoddy tools…
I’m not sure that metaphor really applies here. Anyway, Lisa, I feel like you came into this interview with some sort of misguided bias against me. I have been nothing but civil. There are certainly some good things about me. I’m pretty sure my mom likes me, anyway.
I apologize if you feel that way. Of course, I’m sure your mother is rather fond of you. I would love to let you explore your good qualities, but I’m afraid we’ve run out of time for today. Lisa vs. Lisa will be sure to have you back on soon. Good day, everyone!