Category Archives: advice

What Am I? WHAT ARE YOU?

In the spirit of Halloween, here are some easy costumes for lazy people:

  1. Wear your normal clothes and when people ask you what you are, say, “Your worst nightmare.”
  2. Buy cheap fangs, throw some glitter on yourself and go as a Twilight-style vampire (or forget the glitter and go as a True Blood-style vampire).
  3. Wear two different color polo shirts and pop the collars. Then take a plastic bag with the word “douche” written on it and put it over your head. Voila! Douche bag!
  4. Take a blouse and black pants/skirt and put white-out hand prints on the ass/crotch/boobs. Carry around a clipboard or manila folder. Hello there, Sexual Harassment!
  5. If you are a person of any ethnicity that isn’t white, just put on normal clothes and see what crazy things people guess you are. YOU’VE JUST BEEN PROVEN RACIST BY THE RACIST PROVER!
  6. Feeling a little risque? Buy a cheap Bible and cover yourself in the pages from Genesis. Boom! Creationism!
  7. On a white shirt, do one of those iron-on transfers of a picture of your face. You’re Inception-You. (This is sooo last years, but whatever).
  8. Wear shorts that are a little too short/long (depending on gender), a colorful tee shirt, socks with sandals, and a visor. Carry a map and go around asking people for directions, you tourist.
  9. Cut out a big cardboard frame from a box or something. Fasten it to yourself, making sure there’s enough room to one side of you to get another person in “frame.” Stand next to people and argue/make out with them. You’re on reality TV. (Bonus if you shout “I’m not here to make friends!” a lot).
  10. Make a schnazzy mask out of a paper plate, sharpies, and a box cutter. It’s best if you make this one at work when you’re bored.

Look at that fine, fine craftsmanship.

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I’m pregnant with a food baby and it might be Korean

I have now gone to all-you-can-eat Korean barbecue twice, and I have realized that there is definitely a learning curve when it comes to tackling such a feast. Allow this novice to share with you things that I’ve learned:

1. It’s not a spur-of-the-moment event. You’re going to need to know if you’re going to Korean Barbecue before lunchtime of the day you’re going to go, because you need to plan accordingly. Assuming that you’ll be eating dinner, you better eat a light lunch and breakfast. I’m talking a lettuce leaf and a grape. You’re going to want to be STARVING by the time you arrive (though not by, like, African baby standards). My second time, I thought I would have a light snack right before I went, so I would fill up faster and thus save myself some self-loathing. But no. It did nothing.

2. The sides are awesome, but just do little taste-tests of those. Eat some of the salad, because you’ll feel better about yourself knowing you got a vegetable in you. The only thing you should feel free to go to town on is that latke-like thing.

3. Don’t waste time on the unmarinated meats. Sure, they’re tasty, but they’re nowhere near as good as the juicy stuff. My first time, I gorged myself on the unmarinated stuff until I was comfortably full. And then my eating comrades declared that the marinated stuff was coming out and…oh my God. It’s just…so good. So you eat a lot of that until you’re well past the point of comfortably full. And then someone always seems to order ANOTHER course of awesome stuff. And the process repeats. So I guess my point is: know how many courses people are planning to order.

4. Don’t order octopus. It’s only really good when it’s perfectly cooked, and the “perfectly cooked” window is really small. And no one knows when that window is open. Just…don’t.

5. You’re going to hate yourself. Don’t get me wrong; it’s a good time. You have fun with friends and you’re cooking on your table. It’s awesome. But you’re going to stuff yourself stupid. When you stand up, the contents of your stomach will disrupt your normal center of gravity. You’re going to smell like meat. The scent will haunt you. Your skin will be slick with meat grease. You’re going to be sluggish. And this feeling will last at least 24 hours.

6. There’s still room for dessert. Fact: there always is.


This is not funny, but it almost kinda is

I got a forwarded email from an acquaintance today. The content of which was this (and I’m just going to issue one big [SIC] for the whole thing):

This is from the County Sheriffs  Department, please read this message very
carefully:

This message is  for any lady who goes to work, college or school or even
driving or walking the  streets alone.  If you find a young person crying on
the road showing you  their address and is asking you to take them to that
address… take that child  to the POLICE STATION!!  No matter what you do,
DON’T go to that  address.  This is a new way for gang members (MS13) to
rape women.   Please forward this message to all ladies & guys so that they
can inform  their sisters & friends and family.  Please don’t feel shy to
forward  this message. Our 1 message may save a life.  Published by CNN &
FOX  NEWS (Please circulate).. **Please DO NOT IGNORE!  Thank you  !

First, I find it hard to trust anything that has no semblance of proper grammar. Second, I’m not really concerned because as you know, I’m not one to help anyone in any kind of altruistic way. Especially children.

And here is my freebie message to all the gangbangers out there: Make meth, not rape.


The Facts of Life…

…was a weak show. I get it; the girls were sassy. And they learned an important life lesson every week. Big deal. If you want to watch a show with life lessons, watch Full House because at least then you get to look at John Stamos.

Anyway, I may not have been on this planet for a really long time, but I have learned some stuff about life. So let’s just dive right on in. And don’t try to dispute any of these–they’ve been proven with SCIENCE.

  • If a friend you haven’t talked to in a long time asks you, “So, what have you been up to?” there’s an 80% chance that said friend is about to brag to you about something. There is a further 50% chance that this thing will be incredibly asinine.
  • 60% of the time, it works every time.
  • You will be robbed at one point. Just hope it’s soon and hope it’s small.
  • 50-75% of all electronic problems can be solved by turning the thing off and on again or toggling something.
  • You will never win a “who’s more exhausted” battle. The other person always is a student or has young children or something stupid.
  • People who really like Ayn Rand are always douchebags.
  • People who can quote The Simpsons (seasons 2-10) and/or Arrested Development are awesome 82% of the time.
  • If you drink a lot of water and then decide to go on a long car ride to clear your head and jam along to music, you WILL spend the whole time just thinking about how much you have to pee.
  • The SECOND you decide to start a new fitness regimen, one of your joints will spontaneously combust in terror.
  • Invest in a board game. Everyone likes board games.
  • The “Placebo Effect” does not work for hair products. Just because you spent 50 dollars and really want it to work doesn’t mean your hair will magically not be like straw.
  • The amount of happiness you feel is inversely proportional to the number of foods you restrict yourself.
  • Everyone knows not to go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line (or start a land war in Asia), but only slightly less well known is this: Never argue with a Republican unless you want to question your moral code (i.e. is murder really that bad?).
  • You can’t judge a person by the contents of their iPod or their Netflix instant stream list. Well, you can, but you’re not getting the full picture (I have an absurd amount of 90s pop and have watched a lot of American Dad)
  • No matter how good you are at something, someone is always ALWAYS better than you. Like, a lot better. Like, so much better that you should probably give up. But don’t. That person may die before you. Of course, this person will be replaced by another person who is better than you (you are really far down the line of good-ness).

What they didn’t teach you in Harvard business school

Since the weather is beginning to get a little more summery (at least where I am–I don’t care about where you are), neighborhood children are putting on their little entrepreneurial hats, dragging out the Fischer Price tables, and selling some lemonade.

Wait, there's a lemon behind that rock!

This little neighbor kid Wyatt (ugh…just ugh), the one who has referred to me as the “scary lady,” was having a little lemonade stand with his ever-watchful father present and standing behind him like a bouncer. Though cosmically, the 20ish year age difference (oh CHRIST I’m OLD) isn’t very much, the generational difference with respect to lemonade stand methodology could not have been more apparent.

Allow me to paint you a word-picture: this kid was proudly displaying two cartons of Minute Maid lemonade and charging 0.50 for a shot glass of the stuff (a Dixie Cup is the same as a shot glass right? I mean, we’ve all been there). So yeah, I bought a glass (mostly to appease the father), and tossed that shit back like tequila. It was warm. Very unsatisfying. If I were to yelp it, my review would not have been favorable, and those things can make or break a business. Take pride in your business, Wyatt!

Ugh

Anyway, back before I was lemonade grandstanding (see what I did thurr?), I had my own lemonade stands. Some were successful, though admittedly this was before the recession hit. Long story short (too late), I learned the ins and outs of the business:

  1. You may be cute, but cuteness don’t pay the rent. Customers may buy the first glass to appease the doe-eyed hellspawn, but the PRODUCT keeps them coming back for more.
  2. Have the DECENCY to pretend that the stuff was home-made. Have a pitcher with ice cubes and everything. Displaying your cartons of Minute Maid is just so…gauche. Sure, I didn’t mix lemon juice with sugar and water–I was too young to figure out the perfect ratio. And yeah, my trusty old Country Time powder had never even been in close proximity to a real lemon, but at least I added in the water and stirred.
  3. Add ice. Lots of ice. People are buying this stuff because it’s hot out, so make sure to add enough ice without the stuff getting watered down. It’s worth the effort.
  4. Your parent should not be standing near you, staring neighbors down like the eye of Sauron. Can’t rely on daddy forever, kiddo. And if someone tried to kidnap you, throw lemonade in his eyes.
  5. The price should match the product. I guess I don’t know how inflation has affected today’s lemonade stands, but 50 cents for a Dixie Cup seems off. I needs those quarters to feed parking meters.
I hope Wyatt doesn’t represent a growing trend in today’s lemonade stands, because frankly, I don’t have the patience to put up with all this childish half-assery.

(On a tangentially related note, I remember my last lemonade stand. I was in fifth grade and my friend and I set up a little stand outside of her house. We sat there all afternoon and only sold one cup–to her mother. That was the day we discovered that we weren’t adorable anymore.)


I’m a hate guru

This is the best older sisterly advice I think I have ever given:

[after discussing her unfortunate roommate situation]
Me:  It sucks, but life is putting up with people you hate
I do it all the time