Category Archives: television

No TV and no beer make Homer something something…

So I was talking to a random person the other day, and he made a joke about getting a rape horn instead of a rape whistle or something like that. Immediately my ears perk up like a dog. “Like in Arrested Development?” I asked while my face lit up like a child about to get a rock candy stick or a puppy. Are we about to share a moment? Am I about to make a new friend?

“What? Oh, no. I don’t watch TV.”

Cue glass shattering noise.

What is WRONG with these people?!

Now, I fully understand that some people are just too busy to watch TV, and I sympathize; I really do. But these are not the people I’m talking about. I’m talking about the people who dismiss the entire medium in a voice dripping with condescension.

People who watch television are not all brain-dead illiterate rednecks who get their jollies by watching Jerry Springer. I get it; you probably like to read. I know how to read, and sometimes I even do. You just don’t need to be so dismissive with your pity-gaze that says, I waste my time in better ways than you. I’m on a coed softball team and I am participating in National Novel Writing Month, bitch, which I know is something you’ve always mused about, but you know you could never do because then when would you watch television? Thanks for saying that so smarmily, voice inside my head. You always go for the jugular.

But then, when I think about it again, I feel bad for these people who are too good for television. Pop culture is a language, and they are refusing to study. You think you can get by with the occasional “What chu talking ‘bout, Willis,” but you can’t. You need to have a larger cultural lexicon than that. Not to mention that every single life experience you have ever had has already been played out on the small screen. In other words, “SIMPSONS DID IT!” So own up to the fact you’re not original, and watch some damn television.

(Don’t) Skip to the end….

On nights like these, I really feel the ticking of my biological clock. But not one for babies or marriage–it’s a biological clock counting down until I turn thirty. I’m not really afraid of turning thirty from a mortality standpoint; I’m afraid of never being a cool twenty-something. With each passing year, I realize how uncool I was and how uncool I continue to be. (Do people even say the word “cool” anymore? THAT’S HOW OUT OF THE LOOP I AM!)

I feel like I’ve been lied to by television (my best friend). Television tells me that these are supposed to be some of the best years of my life. Well, world, I’m waiting.

I spent a significant portion of my weekend re-watching Spaced, a British comedy written by and starring Simon Pegg and Jessica Hynes as Tim and Daisy, two bestest friends living together and having fabulous (British) misadventures. They represent the quintessential slacker duo–an episode is even devoted to the two of them signing on for unemployment benefits. They spend time together playing video games and watching movies and playing violent games of Scrabble. You know, just generally being “losers.”

I want to find my own Tim...

But despite this, it reminds me that twenty-somethings on TV always have messed-up lives in such a put-together and chic way. Though they may spend most of their time doing “nothing,” they still go out to fun-looking dive bars to get drunk on neat-sounding drinks (I swear that one day, I WILL HAVE a tequila slammer!). In short, they make poverty and lovelessness look like fun.

But it’s not fun. Do you know how I know? Because I spent a good portion of my weekend re-watching Spaced and listening to my cell phone not ring. Yes, I’m having a pity party and no, you’re not invited.

In an effort to share the love, enjoy this clip of an epic fake gunfight:

Maybe I’ll have cool misadventures like that after I turn 25…