Tag Archives: spring cleaning

Spring cleaning pt. 2

What’s this? More old shit still on my computer? Why, yes! Come with me, gentle internet traveler, as we explore the depths of my old files.

Let’s start this trek down memory lane with the contents of a document entitled “Knock Knock:”

Knock knock

Jethro

Jethro ‘em down the stairs and I’ll stab them with my screwdriver

One wishes that one could ask past Lisa why. Why write this down and save it? I mean, yeah, okay, sure, it’s kind of a funny joke. I mean, yeah, I’ll probably remember it for later. Sure. But…why?

Now, dear internet tourist, we can see the picture called “badassery 2” (implying that somewhere there exists a “badassery 1”):

I'm the coolest.

I think this is pretty self-explanatory, dear people. Also, I don’t want to explain it.

Next, let’s wander into a document titled “awwwww,” which is apparently an old AIM conversation between me and my sister:

sister: u smell

me: like roses

sister: doused in pee

me: but then gently cleansed with sunshine and hugs

sister: only to be picked and farted upon by the devil

me: to then be kissed clean by angels

sister: unfortunately one of the angels had a cold sore and the roses swelled immensely in response to the deadly rose virus

me: but the rose, hearing the healing song of the mermaids, revived only to become more beautiful than ever before

sister: or so they thought, the mermaids had actually tricked the roses and sung the song of hope then fail…the roses grew more beautiful than ever before and then suddenly burst into sulfuric flames and burned until they were mere suggestions of the roses they once were

me: but then the phoenix, hearing the cry of the dying roses, was so moved by their wails, that he wept on top of their ashes and they were reborn

sister: reborn into poisonous mushrooms that when spat upon with a magic potion became, once again, a beautiful rose but was then picked by a young boy planning on giving the rose to a pretty girl but right after he said ” i picked this thinking of your face” the potion wore off and the rose was a shroom again. and the young girl slapped the boy

me: HAHAHA you brought in the shrek two scenario. you win

Adorable. And so full of that sisterly love and respect that people talk about.

Aaaaaaannnnd finally, let’s journey into the document entitled “Elp Me”. I actually remember the backstory for this one: I wrote this the day after I got really wasted for the first time (awww). I was hungover, and I was pretty sure I was going to die. In between my wailing and moaning, I knocked a glass of water onto my keyboard and some of the letters stopped working (this was the moment I had the requisite “GOD IS PUNISHING ME FOR MY DEBAUCHERY! I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN!” declaration, but I was 18 and lying to myself). I then opened Word and began to test out my keyboard (why did I save this? That’s between past Lisa and God):

Elp me! NOOOOOOO! It burrrrns..

Te quick brown fox jumped over te lazy do.

O OD! Tats not rit at all! Neiter is tat!

Lisa is sad. I sad. Sad sad sad.

12347890 123478 jfjfjb  vrit rit rit vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvf

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

bbbubuubbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbnnnmmjjjjjj

te  bbbbbbbbb

/////…,,,,;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;lllLLLlllLLliiii

At least I can spell my name lisa. Wooooo!

Tout tink o to ave alf


Spring Cleaning pt. 1

It’s still technically Spring, right? Is it too late to spring clean? Whatever–I’ve always been a late bloomer. Except my boobs. Those things popped in EARLY. Fourth grade was hard.

ANYWAY.

When I got my computer two years ago, I transferred EVERTHING from my old computer (that I had from the beginning of college to the end) to the new one. Everything. Every picture, every document, everything. So today I was bored and started going through some things. And there are hidden gems in there, man.

When I was 19 (right after Freshman year of college), I thought about starting a blog, specifically a livejournal because I’m lame like that. I never actually did, but I wrote a first post. This, friends, is that first post. Written in the summer of 2006 (and has not been edited according to actual grammar rules that I didn’t have a full grasp on then):

This is my first journaly entry thing…and probably my last. I’m just hella bored.

The humidity is insane—I have an afro. I came home from work the other day and I had a little convo with my mommy:

Her: You look different.

Me: …?

Her:…Is it sweat?

Me: I really can’t wait to send you to a home.

Sometimes I work in the floral tent now, which is funny because I don’t know anything about flowers. The first day this lady came in and asked for impatiens (this flower that I had always assumed was a pansy—but then again, I never even knew what a pansy looked like so it was really just blissful ignorance) but I thought she said “impatience” so I apparently plastered a confused look on my face.

“You don’t know a lot about flowers do you?” she asked. I shrugged, laughed, and ducked behind a fern.

Who buys ferns?

Who buys 500 dollars worth of flowers that will die at the end of the summer?

Who has 500 dollars?

I had to watch American Idol just so I had something to talk about at the “water cooler.” When I say “had to…” I mean that, you know…I didn’t mind.

There are so many wee little 16-17 year olds. “Lisa, will you scan this beer?” they ask. “Sure thing,” I say. It’s good to be useful.

The code for brussel sprouts is 4550. A lot of people buy those little bastards.

When I was driving home and singing along to Westlife (which, I believe, I rock harder to than anyone else has ever rocked to Westlife) I kept imagining me hitting a deer during a really intense head banging/arm gesture and then the deer’s leg breaking through the windshield and kicking me in the face. All thanks to Westlife.

When my sister raps, I make sure she bleeps out her swear words. She also tie-dyed some stuff with her friend today. “Sarah tie-dyed her THONG” her friend joked. I vomited in my mouth a little bit.

I had a day off yesterday, actually. I played Kingdom Hearts 2, but whenever I heard a car door slam outside, I thought it was my sister coming home, so I freaked out and turned off the TV like ten times. If she finds out I’ve been playing, she will hurt me. For serious. She kicked my nose once, I think it bled. I got her back though, I pushed her off the bed when I was playing “the floor is lava” and she got a minor concussion. Did she know we were playing at the time? That is neither here nor there.

The most exciting thing that has happened in my house in the past week is that we got binoculars that can take pictures. DUDE, I’M FREAKING OUT. I can spy on my neighbors AND take their picture. No one can escape me!